Living is a burden I carry…Then God intervened


But he seemed so happy…and I was

I have one of the greatest families in the world, my wife and I have a great marriage, she would agree as of my writing this, My kids are awesome, healthy and happy. Joy fills our lives and our  home. Laughter is heard often and loud wherever we are. But at the end of everyday, since August 14, 2003 the day my son died, there hasn’t been a day go by that I haven’t asked God to let me die. I didn’t want to kill myself, but my desire day after day was to die in an accident or major illness. My honest feeling was that I had experienced all I needed to or wanted to and there was no desire, ambition or goal for the future. I believed I had said all I needed to say, I had done all I wanted to do.

Suicide was never an option

Why was I not suicidal? The reason I would never kill myself was the thought my kids would be so angry with God that they would reject Him, that my wife, already emotionally wounded would lose all hope and that there were people who I needed to invest in. So I continued to live. Life was my burden to carry, my cross to bear. The love I have for my family made living a burden I was willing to carry. I carried that burden effectively for ten years. Most people would have never guessed that the smiling man before them had such thoughts. I wasn’t a morbid or depressing person, I was just at peace with the knowledge that I didn’t need or want anything else from my life. I enjoyed the time I had with family and friends. I loved loving them, teaching them, making them laugh but at the end of the day I was always ready to go to my eternal home.

Pain makes everything else more difficult

Physical pain has been my other nemesis. In 2007 my doctors discovered that my pain and lack of mobility was due to a deteriorating vertebra in my back causing it to slide forward resting on my spinal cord. Unable to walk more than a block and unable to stand for much time at all I had given up on any future dreams I may have had because of the pain and the physical condition I was in. The physical quality of my life was drastically limited and it had gotten to the point that I couldn’t wash my own feet or put on my own socks and shoes. If I dropped something it stayed there until someone could pick it up for me. I couldn’t stand for more than, 15 minutes or walk more than half a block without the pain becoming unbearable. There were times when just getting back to my car would take everything in me and once there I would have to manually take my right leg and put it in the car. Without attention this condition would eventually lead to paralysis; so I had surgery.

That didn’t work, now what?

I was never completely out of pain following surgery but I could walk farther and stand longer; that lasted 6 months. Then came the Physical therapy and mental therapy, the yoga and Tia chi, the acupuncture and the meditation, none of which gave me relief. The last thing I tried was having a spinal stimulator implanted in my back that would interrupt the pain signals to my brain, lets just say that didn’t work and now the battery is dead and won’t be revived.

There is a happy ending

Now, I’m not complaining, I am setting the stage for a great ending to my story and a new beginning. The net effect  was that since August 14, 2003 there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t want to go home, the eternal one, and since 2007 there hadn’t been a significant amount of time in which I was pain-free. That all changed on January 13, 2014 when God sent an Angel to speak to me. The form it took was of a stunningly beautiful young lady, my daughter Nichole. We engaged in conversation and I spoke with her about my frustration with God, that I felt directionless and just “wanted to know what He was expecting me to do?” She quietly looked across the table and said, “If you are asking that question then you are not close to God.” That is the moment I realized that my daughter was an Angel sent from God to punch me in the head. Truly a case of the student becoming the teacher . I wanted to argue with her observation, but she was right and I knew it.

Life without a relationship with God is no life at all

So what was I going to do about that? How did I drift from Him and how was I going to get back? I began to think back on my life when I felt the closest to God; times I didn’t need to question because I instinctively knew in my spirit what action I was to take. I talked to her about my commitment to a radical commitment to prayer. My prayer life was living and active, it was vibrant. When I got home that evening I couldn’t stop thinking about my prayer life and what it had been like a decade earlier. I woke  up bright and early January 14, 2014 and began praying again the way I had before. During my personal prayer time  the Lord revealed to me that the cause of my pain was the poison my emotional pain was dosing out. I gave that all to God and discovered as well I had some resentment toward Him about the loss of my son.

I’m healed, God healed me!

During that hour or so of prayer my life was transformed and all the pain was gone, totally gone.  The mystery fatigue I had since June of 2012 was also gone. It was as if a very painful winter had suddenly been lifted from my life. In fact I had no desire to head to Heaven, I had purpose and I shouted, “I want to live”. 

Day to Day

As of the final draft of this blog, February 04, 2014 I have had no pain. I can bend over and put my shoes and socks on with no pain. I walk a mile, 30 of walking and no hint of pain. I am teaching the prayer plan I use every morning called tabernacle prayer to anyone who will listen. I have invited people over to my house so I could teach them how to pray and God is not only moving in my life but also in theirs. Praise be to God.